The problem with some people is that when they aren’t drunk, they’re sober.
-William Butler Yeats
You gotta love a holiday that’s all about drinking. Sure, we all have our fair share of adult beverages during Thanksgiving and Christmas, but they’re merely masqueraded as a nice wholesome time with the ones you love…which they are…but a bit of the drink makes the holiday cheer, that much cheerier. St. Patrick’s Day, on the other hand, holds none of these pretenses. The widely accepted, practiced and promoted behavior for this glorious holiday is, to…well…to get shit faced. Hell, you don’t even have to be Irish to celebrate! Let’s party!!!
So, this being what it is, all those indulging need to govern themselves appropriately. I understand that once the booze starts flowin’, decision making gets…um…compromised. So, before you get going today, here’s a few pointers to keep in mind when you may not be able to make sound decisions for yourself.
- Whatever you do. Don’t. Drink. Green. Beer. Please, for the love of everything Irish and holy, make this ridiculousness stop.
- Don’t get in a fight. Nobody likes having their shitty green beer spilled all over them because Brody and Rocco had beef over who could crush more bitches. You’re awful people and you should not be allowed in public.
- Irish car bombs are a waste of two kinds of booze that should be enjoyed separately on their own merits. Guinness…good. Irish Cream…good. Together in the same glass, chugged like Budweiser? Not so much. If you want to get hammered quick, just drink Jameson (see below…)
- Please don’t wear an Irish Flag as a cape to the bar. Unless you are, in fact, Sir Irish McSuperhero and you plan on saving us all from the numerous bad decisions we’re about to make, let’s avoid this fashion statement.
- Don’t drive after drinking too much. Just don’t do it.
- Drink Guinness. It may seem cliche, but Guinness is about as Irish as it gets. It originated in the brewery of Arthur Guinness (1725–1803) at St. James’s Gate, Dublin, Ireland and continues to be drank by the fine folks of said country. It’s authentic, it’s delicious, and it’s low in alcohol content (ie: you can be in it for the long haul)
- Don’t like big, bold, delicious stouts? It’s ok. I won’t judge, but make sure you have yourself a Smithwick’s. It’s an Irish Red Ale brewed in Kilkenny, Ireland. I prefer Guinness, but a Smithwick’s is every bit Irish authentic.
- Drink Jameson. It may be a bit harsh going down, but it doesn’t get any more Irish than Jameson Irish Whiskey. I actually like it. I also have a beard. Are these two things mutually exclusive? Not necessarily, but Jameson is manly. So are beards. So be a man and drink a Jameson.
- If either of these are too bold for your tender little tastebuds, have a Magners. It’s a classic Irish cider made in Clonmel, Ireland. Crisp, refreshing and it’ll do what you’re out to get done.
- Tip your bartenders. They’re busting their asses just to make sure you’re having a good time. Take care of them and they’ll take care of you when the bar is five-deep.
- Have something to eat. You’ll need it if you’re looking to be in it for the long haul. If you can get your hands on some corned beef and cabbage, DO IT! Hell, even if all you can do is grab a burger or a burrito, make it happen. You’ll thank yourself later.
- After a night of indulging, have some Gatorade or even Pedialyte (yes, Pedialyte) on hand at home. Drink a large glass (16-20 oz) before bed to help ward off the morning hangover.
- Have fun. Sure, I have all these “rules” here, but the bottom line is, St. Patty’s Day is all about having fun with your friends and acting like a responsible, functioning member of society. Speaking of which…
- Take an Uber. Or a cab. Or a DD. Or walk. I know I said this earlier, but it deserves reiteration. Whatever you do, just don’t drive after drinking too much. No need to ruin your, or anyone else’s St. Patrick’s Day.
When we drink, we get drunk.
When we get drunk, we fall asleep.
When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
So, let’s all get drunk, and go to heaven!
-Old Irish Toast